This is thorough and the layout is strong - however the writing style is too conversational and as if you are pitching the film scene by scene. Look at the examples of scripts and notice how they are written in the 3rd person 'he walks towards the girl' not 'so here we will have this happening'. You need to rewrite this to show you understand the mode of address of a script. Keep it descriptive of the mood and scene as if you were storytelling not conversational as you have here.
This is thorough and the layout is strong - however the writing style is too conversational and as if you are pitching the film scene by scene. Look at the examples of scripts and notice how they are written in the 3rd person 'he walks towards the girl' not 'so here we will have this happening'. You need to rewrite this to show you understand the mode of address of a script. Keep it descriptive of the mood and scene as if you were storytelling not conversational as you have here.
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